How Bad Sex can Help Your Marriage
Lots of couples have sexual problems in their marriage. In fact, it’s one of the most common reasons I see couples in my office for counseling. Sex is such an important part of marriage that when it’s not going well, couples will scream and fight and bicker with each other to the brink of divorce. Sometimes it even causes divorce. So a lot of couples are surprised when I tell them that the sexual problems they are having can actually help their marriage.
I know what you’re thinking. “People call them sexual problems for a reason. How can problems be helpful?” Right? Let me explain:
Bad Sex is a Sign in Your Marriage
When things are rocky between you and a friend, there are usually signs that are telling you that friendship is rocky. Signs like they haven’t called you in a while or they haven’t invited you over in a long time. So you take these as signs that things aren’t going well in your friendship. The same is true with sex in a marriage. It’s a sign of how things are going in your relationship. And it’s almost always a sign that something bad is going on.
Sexual intimacy is unique between you and your partner. It’s the one thing you share with your partner that you don’t share with anyone else. And it becomes a unique expression between you and your partner of love, intimacy and connection that you don’t express with anyone else. Because you don’t share it with anyone else, it’s also an excellent barometer of how things are going uniquely between you two. So if the sex is bad, usually your relationship is bad, too – or at least an area of your relationship is bad.
When Bad Sex is Happening, Look At Your Relationship – Not the Sex
When you start diving into what’s causing the sexual problems, usually you’ll find that there’s something much deeper than just technique or frequency (or the lack thereof) that’s causing the problems. And it’s only when those get fixed that the sex can get better.
For example, Sally and Steve came in to counseling with a sexual problem a lot of couples have. Sally had a low libido and Steve had a high libido.Steve would criticize Sally for not wanting sex saying “sex is good in a relationship, there must be something wrong with you if you don’t want it.” And she wouldn’t miss a beat with her comeback of “Why do you have to be so horny, there must be something wrong with you”. They would go around in circles both point the finger of blame at the other. They were both adamant that the rest of their relationship was fine – except for the sex.
Finally, they stopped bickering about how often (or not) they were having sex and hunkered down in agreement to talk honestly about themselves and their relationship. Sally started delving deeper into what’s causing her low libido. She had begun seeing that she had lost her feeling of sexuality from all the stress in her life as a mother and an employee. She would ‘give in’ to Steve’s requests to have sex just as a way to not feel pressured anymore. It was as if it was one more chore on top of work and the kids. She realized that through these things, she was being distracted from being the sexual person she wanted to be. She was letting herself down not having the kind of sex she wanted to have. So instead of waiting for Steve to make a request for sex that she didn’t want to have, she took the reins and made advances for the kind of sex that she did want to have.
Steve also came to an understanding of himself. He begun to understand how he was needing sex as a form of validation from Sally – not as a form of connection. He needed sex (not wanted sex) in order for him to feel like he was being a good husband and being a good person, etc. Once he realized this he stopped begging for sex. He no longer needed sex as a form of validation. Instead, he learned to validate himself. And he would no longer put up with “mercy sex”. He wasn’t going to have sex unless it was going to be electrifying. And if Sally wouldn’t, then they needed to find another arrangement.
At the end of counseling, Steve and Sally were two different people. Steve was much more confident, less needy and would no longer beg for sex. He also wasn’t going to put up with lame excuses from Sally anymore for not wanting sex. And he was no longer going to have sex just because he needed it. Sally was also much different. She was a much more confident, sexual person. She was also much more organized and began telling people ‘no’ more often so she wasn’t always so overwhelmed. They were stronger individuals and as a result, they were a stronger couple. And they were much, much happier in their marriage – even though their relationship was “fine” when they came in 🙂
Bad Sex Is a sign to Fix Your Marriage – Not Just the Sex.
In the end, they realized that the bad sex they were having actually helped their marriage. It helped them address the dificulties they were having in the relationship. They didn’t even realize they were having these difficulties, but it was a welcome change. They were both happier, more successful and more passionate together as a couple.
Bad Sex is like The ‘Check Engine’ Light In Your Car Telling You Something’s Wrong”.
When you’re having bad sex, consider it a sign just like a light on your dashboard. Bad sex is like the ‘check engine light in your car telling you something’s wrong. Instead of ignoring it and waiting until something blows up, go to a counselor and get it fixed sooner than later. After all, bad sex can only make your relationship better.
By Aaron Anderson
Source – blog.themarriageandfamilyclinic.com